Diary Entry 09/07/2021
I am beginning to realize that my background, my experiences, my perspective, everything that makes me “unique” is not normal. I am at a school where everyone around me seems to fit it. Actually, for the most part, I seem to fit in, until I speak or consider sharing something and it seems inappropriate.
Today in my Principles of Child Development class, my professor said something about how children will oftentimes freeze when around parents or really anyone that is in a violent or aggressive manner. Personally, I took a moment to reflect on this. I remembered hiding under my bed when I was younger. When my parents were fighting very badly, or when I was scared of my parents because they were upset with me, I would hide under my bed. There were times I was hiding under my bed for so long that I fell asleep. In class, my eyes became watery and I considered stepping out to contain myself in more of a private setting. I need to take a personal moment.
Did I give myself a personal moment?
Well no. I have ignored my feelings and emotions for a very long time. I think this is because I never had a chance to give myself a private moment. I shared a room with my two brothers for the duration of my life in my home. Anytime I needed to take a moment. I would have to do it in a way that I thought was normal. One way was to cry, slightly, in my bed at night while the light was off. This was actually nice to do at the moment. I would have my earbuds in, listening to what I thought was sad music. Then, I could go to sleep, after my nightly emotional breakdown. Later in my teen years, I would go on what I called a “run”. On my “runs”, I would walk and listen to music. When I began to cry, I would run until I was out of breath and sweaty, until it was unclear of the difference between sweat and tears. For context, this was back home in Texas, and I was running in my residential area.
I was actually thinking about what I would need to get “better”. The truth is I want to feel loved and cared for. I thought about the idea of intentionally falling in love. I have many problems with this idea. I hate the idea of intentionally seeking out love. More importantly, I should not rely on someone to make me feel better. That would be awful to do to someone. Another reason is that I know I am not in the right place emotionally to get in a relationship. I need to get better before I can be with anyone.
Best,
Danny Lollo.
